Expecting
Good news!
Good afternoon! I hope this finds you well. Thank you for reading this edition of ‘Faith in the Face of Mental Illness.’ If you’re not currently subscribed, click the button below to receive my weekly reflections.
On Sunday, we gathered around the TV as a family to witness the Lionesses win the Euros final. As the nation celebrated back-to-back European championships for the women’s football team, I couldn’t help but remember where I was the last time England lifted that trophy.
I was at New Wine, a conference where Christians across the UK (and beyond) gather for fellowship, worship, and Bible teaching. I was struggling a lot that summer with the emotional weight of infertility. After four miscarriages and inconclusive test results, I had given up hope that I would be able to carry children of my own to term. I wept all week, crying out to God for answers, for healing, and a sense of peace over what may come next. I returned home and told my husband that I was done with the waiting and wanting. I would be okay if we didn’t have kids… or so I thought.
Many of you will know the end of that story by now. Two days after getting home, I found out I was pregnant. There I was, crying out for a baby, and there was already one growing inside me. Unlike those that came before it, the pregnancy progressed and I gave birth in April 2023 to our gorgeous miracle child, Jonathan.
That was where I was the last time England lifted the Euros trophy: in despair but unknowingly on the precipice of news that would change my life forever. I thought I knew how my life would turn out, yet God had other plans for us.
This time? Well, it is with great joy that Andrew & I can announce today that we are expecting another baby. God-willing, in February 2026, our little family will grow again and we’ll be a clan of four.
The journey to getting here hasn’t been easy though. We have lost a further four pregnancies since Jonny was born. Once again, I was ready to give up. I couldn’t take the heartbreak anymore, nor the physical toll of successive miscarriages. I thought it was time to leave my longings for a second child behind and focus on being content with what I did have. But, once again, God had different plans.
I still don’t know why things like this happen, why some of us seem to be blessed in abundance when others have to struggle and fight. There seems to be no explanation for why two of my pregnancies have made it out of the first trimester, but there have been eight devastating losses. The doctors don’t understand, and my lens of faith doesn’t seem to add an explanation either.
All I know is that God has been with us through it all. I know, not because it’s been sunshine and rainbows the whole time, but because Jesus promised it. There have been times when I have felt God’s presence clearly and tangibly, and other times when I’ve had to cling to that promise for dear life. Walking with God isn’t easy, but it is a delight to do so.
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20
Since 1st June, the day I found out I was pregnant, I have been living in a state of cautious hope. I have desperately wanted to believe that this pregnancy would be different and that everything would be okay, but I have also fought a daily battle with anxiety and doubt. I have worried and wondered about this baby’s future, keeping my heart’s desires at arm’s length so that I wouldn’t be disappointed if things didn’t work out as planned. But we’re twelve weeks in now and everything appears to be going okay.
I’m still somewhat in disbelief. Even though I have spent the last eight weeks curled up on the couch with severe morning sickness and utter exhaustion, I’m still baffled that I’m pregnant. I’m beginning to look a little rounder and my jeans don’t fit anymore, but there’s still some weird cognitive dissonance. How could this be happening again? I thought it was impossible! I’m amazed and yet bewildered at the same time.
A few weeks ago, I asked someone at church to pray for me as I battled all of the trials that come with the first trimester. She prayed that I would have joy in this season, and I began to cry. I wasn’t coping very well with the isolation that severe morning sickness brings and was beginning to feel depression creep in, and here was someone praying in love that I would experience the joy of the Lord, something that felt so far away.
It’s taken some time to notice it, yet slowly but surely, joy has come.
As I pondered what to write today, a familiar passage from Luke’s gospel came to mind - one where Mary discovers her cousin, Elizabeth, is pregnant after being unable to conceive. The angel says the following words:
“For with God nothing shall be impossible.”
Luke 1:37
This is what has brought me joy, even in a debilitating first trimester: the reminder that the realm of possibility for God is so far greater than what my imagination can conjure up. I was prepared to give up when I thought there was no way forward. God wasn’t finished.
And while I wouldn’t wish eight weeks of morning-sickness-induced solitude on anyone, I have found solace in the Scriptures, peace in prayer, and rest in being with the One who takes me just as I am. God has seen my struggles over the past few weeks and has sent kind reminders of his love and grace as I have battled through. Sure, it would’ve been lovely to have started this pregnancy with a trouble-free first trimester, but there have been glimpses of light amid the storms.
The Lionesses waited until the final moments of each game to bring us to victory, but they never gave up. Their tenacity has inspired a nation, especially its young girls, to dream big and expect great things. That’s my prayer for this little one: that they would grow up believing for more. And that I, in turn, would learn that God’s usually not finished when I am ready to be done.
I may be tired from the journey so far, but we’re praying in faith that the celebration of a new baby come February will most certainly be worth it.
I hope this was helpful, or at least provoked some interesting thoughts. Please feel free to send it along to someone and encourage them today. If you want to connect with me in other ways, you can follow me on Instagram.
With much love and gratitude,
Stephanie